Java Jive

Genetics…whether we like it or not we’re pretty much stuck with what we’re given. I’ve got some great genes going for me, along with a pretty good character. However, my genetic make up has “blessed” me with being short in stature.

In grade school, if we lined up by height to go to the bathroom or in gym class or at the music recital I was always at the ‘short’ end of the line, being one of the shortest if not the shortest. Because I was so little I was teased quite a bit. (At least that’s how I’ve decided to remember the teasing. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was a little nerdy, or had braces and glasses at the same time, or went through a ridiculously awkward phase, or that my favorite pair of jeans were green. – Green goes with everything. It was all because I was short.) As I got old, I learned how to appreciate my short-comings. I had the smallest hands and my handprint fit perfectly on a 4”x4” square, no one else’s did. I could wiggle my way into the tightest spots to pick up a fallen item. I can still fit into the third seat in the trunk of my parent’s station wagon, but it’s rather uncomfortable. I’ve embraced my height, it just took me a while to get used to it, or grow into it. One of my nicknames in college was Travel Size because I am so little I could fit in random places and was easily packable. (I think I just compared myself to a travel size shampoo.)

Anyway, while I am short, I know for sure there are shorter people out there and while I have become comfortable with the fact that I’m not very tall, I do everything in my power so I do not become shorter/shrink/etc. One of the things I’ve adopted, since I was probably 8, is that I don’t drink coffee. I don’t even really like coffee so it’s not a huge loss for me. However, if you’ve ever been out with me and we have been offered coffee I politely decline, stating that ‘It stunts my growth.’ It is very possible I will not grow again and that my height is here to stay, but on the off chance I have a crazy growth spurt in my future or there is some sort of sudden scientific research, I’m going to steer clear of coffee.

But I know there are people out there that NEED their coffee every day. There are those of you that can drink it at all hours of the day. There are those who can’t start the day without it. There are the people who like their coffee black (like their women – as my father would crassly say) and those who like it super sweet macchiato, caramel, whipped cream with a cherry on top. My co-worker Matt loves his coffee. He drinks a lot of coffee. All the time coffee. Even at 3pm, he has his mug with coffee in it. He had a birthday in August and he gave me free range on his birthday cake flavor. I wanted to make something that I thought he would like and that would encompass his highly caffeinated personality and all around awesomeness. I originally thought of doing a crazy chili chocolate cake of some sort, but settled on the coffee. Coffee’s a little more classic, just like Matt.

Coffee Supreme Cake (Cake adapted from Nestle Toll House's Mocha Buttercream Chocolate Espresso Cake, Frosting adopted from Cake Mix Magic)

Chocolate Coffee Cake Ingredients:
4 oz Semisweet Chocolate, chopped
2 cups All Purpose Flour
1 tsp Baking Soda
½ tsp Salt
1 ½ cup Brown Sugar (I used half light brown sugar and half dark brown sugar)
2 sticks Unsalted Butter, room temperature
4 Eggs
2 TBSP Instant Coffee
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
1 cup Buttermilk

Filling Ingredients:
25 Snack Size Heath Bars, crushed

Caramel Coffee Frosting Ingredients:
½ cup Unsalted Butter
1 cup Brown Sugar
¼ cup Milk (I use whole milk)
2 TBSP Instant Coffee
3 cups Powdered Sugar, sifted
¾ tsp Vanilla Extract

Cake Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and line with parchment paper 2 – 9” round cake pans. Melt the chocolate in a double boiler or placing it in the microwave for 45 seconds. Whether double boiling or microwaving, make sure you are stirring it. (Be careful not to burn it in the microwave!)
Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt in a small bowl.
In a large bowl, beat the brown sugar, butter, eggs, instant coffee, and vanilla until smooth.
Gradually, add the melted chocolate to the sugar/butter mixture until everything is evenly combined.
Beat the flour mixture into the sugar/butter/chocolate mixture in three additions, alternating with the buttermilk.
Bake the cakes for approximately 30 minutes or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

Frosting Directions:
In a medium saucepan, combine the butter and brown sugar and place over medium heat. Stir mixture CONSTANTLY until it comes to a boil. Once it comes to a boil, add the milk and bring the mixture back up to a boil. (This second boil should happen relatively quickly.) Stir in the instant coffee.
Remove the saucepan from the heat and stir in the powdered sugar and vanilla. While the frosting is still warm, spread it over the cake.

Assembly:
*Please note – you will make your life a lot easier if you cook your cake first and don’t make the frosting until they are cool since the frosting needs to be spread while it’s warm. Once the frosting cools it becomes quite fudgey.
After the cake has cooled, place one layer top side down on a platter. Lather the top of the bottom layer with half of the frosting. Sprinkle on top of the frosting half of the Heath bar chunks. Place the second layer on top, coat with frosting, and sprinkle the remaining Heath bar chunks on the top of the cake.

There is not enough frosting to cover the sides of the cake, if that’s something you’re interested in make sure to double the recipe and use a slightly larger saucepan. Definitely, sift the powdered sugar, I didn’t and my frosting stayed a little on the chunky side.

This cake is super coffee-y. If you have problems with caffeine and it keeps you up, make sure to use a decaf instant coffee to be on the safe side. But if you are a java junkie it will definitely suit your needs. The Heath bars add a little caramel flavor to it. If the crunch and caramel weren’t there it could potentially have been too overpowering. My co-workers couldn’t get enough of the frosting. It was sweet and thick and the sugar crystals from the powdered sugar melted in your mouth with a big burst of coffee. I’m not even a big coffee fan and I found this cake delicious.

This cake may lead you to have stunted growth if you are a young child, however, if you are not or if you like coffee I recommend it. I was skeptical, but I would make this cake again in a heartbeat. Until then, I will be riding around on Cherry Bomb, my children sized mountain bike from when I was 13, because I haven’t gotten an inch taller since then.

Red Food Coloring and Volcano Fizz

I originally tried to set this opening the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, but I just couldn’t do it. I’ve got nothing. I have been working on this post for two weeks. Maybe it’s writer’s block or maybe I was uninspired, or maybe Red Velvet cake is not as exciting as I had hoped.

I first learned about Red Velvet cake in my teens when I saw Steel Magnolias. Julia Roberts character was getting married and in the South they do groom’s cakes. (That’s just how they roll…) So they did this red velvet cake in the shape of an armadillo. So when you cut into it, it kind of looked like blood. As a teenager, I remember finding this fascinating, disturbing, and all around awesome. This is most likely because of my twisted sense of humor.

I didn’t try Red Velvet cake until some years later. I loved them! I went through a brief obsession with them…purchasing them and making them from Duncan Hines mixes. I even went as far as making a red velvet cake with brown sugar cream cheese frosting and covered with a pound of delicately fried bacon. (You may think that sounds disgusting, but it was probably the most delicious cake I have ever made.) However, I had not made a Red Velvet from scratch – ever.

In mid-August we celebrated my co-worker Kyle’s birthday. Kyle is originally from Georgia. So to honor his roots and his favorite kind of cake ever, I tackled the Red Velvet cake. Never to be boring, I wanted to spice it up and add a twist. I did a ton of research on Red Velvet cakes to see if I could pair them with anything or change them, but there really wasn’t anything out there that showed a creative red velvet cake. Everything was very basic: Red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. Luckily, I have wheels turning in my head constantly and I settled on doing a pecan praline brittle in the middle. (I thought about doing an almond brittle, which sounded awesome, but I’m allergic to almonds so I opted to change the nut.)

Red Velvet with Pecan Praline Brittle Layer Cake (Cake adapted from Pinch My Salt's Family Recipe)

Cake Ingredients:
2 ½ cups cake flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 TBSP cocoa powder
2 oz red food coloring (2 entire individual bottles)
½ cup unsalted butter, room temperature
1 ½ cups of sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp white vinegar
1 tsp baking soda

Pecan Praline Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
¼ cup water
1 cup pecans, chopped

Cream Cheese Frosting Ingredients:
1 ½ - 8 oz packages of Cream Cheese, room temperature
1 ½ sticks Unsalted Butter, room temperature
5 cups Powdered Sugar
2 TBSP Sour Cream
1 tsp Vanilla Extract

Red Velvet Cake Directions:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Butter and flour 2 – 9” cake rounds.
In a medium bowl whisk together the cake flour, baking powder, and salt. (It is SUPER important to use the cake flour and not All-Purpose flour. All purpose flour is not going to work as well, be fluffy, or taste good. BUY the CAKE FLOUR. It took me a while to find in the baking aisle, but that’s because it comes in a box, not a bag.)
In a small bowl, mix the cocoa and the food coloring together until they form a thin paste.
In a large bowl, beat the butter, vanilla, and sugar together. Once they are creamed together, add the eggs one at a time, mixing between each egg.
Add 1/3 of the flour mixture and ½ of the buttermilk. Scrape down the sides of the bowl after each addition. Alternating, until everything is combined.
In a small bowl, mix the vinegar and the baking soda together. (Yes, it will fizz.) Quickly add the mixed vinegar/baking soda mixture to the cake batter and mix it together. Split the batter between the two pans.
Bake for 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean.

Pecan Praline Brittle:
Line a jelly roll pan with parchment paper. In a medium saucepan, combine the sugar and the water. Cook over medium heat, without stirring. The mixture will become a deep amber color (caramel forming). It takes about 15 minutes or a little less. Keep your eye on it, because it goes from amber to burning VERY quickly. Remove the boiling sugar from the heat and stir in the pecans. Pour/spread the pecans on the parchment paper and let them cool.

Cream Cheese Frosting Directions:
Beat the cream cheese and the butter in a large bowl until fluffy. Beat in the sugar, then the sour cream and vanilla. Beat until smooth.

Assembly:
Place one of the red velvet layers, top down, on a platter or cake stand. Put a considerable amount of cream cheese frosting to cover the top of the cake. Break the brittle into smaller pieces and place on top of the cream cheese frosting. Carefully, add some more cream cheese frosting over the pecan brittle. Place the top layer of the cake on top of the brittle. Frost the top and sides of the cake with the remaining frosting. (You might have a little left over, but it goes great with graham crackers as a nice snack.)

So my pecan praline brittle was a little burnt, because I overcooked my sugar. However, I still used it. I thought of tossing it, because it was really smokey, but luckily it worked and balanced out with the sweetness of the frosting and the cake. The brittle was a little difficult to cut through because it was, well, brittle.

The cake itself was good, moist and rich and bright red. However, I think that it was a lot of extra work without a lot of reward. It tasted delicious and was obviously better than a boxed cake, but spending $10 on red food coloring was kind of absurd and timing the baking soda with the vinegar was a little too much work for me. (I felt like the volcano science experiment in the 5th grade. My volcano was a giant rock we drilled a hole in. It was pretty life – like.) But if you have the time, patience, and aren’t afraid of dying your fingers a little red, definitely try to make it from scratch. Or make it from scratch just once, so you know what’s up.

Kyle loved the cake, as did the rest of the staff. So as long as our Georgia peach was happy and it wasn’t in the shape of an Armadillo, then it was a job well done.At work we sell these crazy little dolls called Sonny Angels. They're vegetable head dolls with little angel wings and little male genitals. They are a huge joke at work. You buy the box and you don't know which one you're going to get. They have become the cake topper for all the staff birthday cakes. They're a little crazy, but they're our cult classic.